This is a very important question, because statistics show that most relationships are at risk during Christmas and New Year!
For example, if you had an accident, would you get back in a car and drive again? Or if you feel down a stairway, would you walk down them again? If you answered, ‘YES’ to both questions, you would have proved my point: that in almost every aspect of our lives, when something bad happens to us, we might feel disappointed, get angry or whatever. But we do pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and carry on with our lives, doing the same thing as before, but older and wiser. In effect, we take it in our stride without too much angst.
Except in one respect: with RELATIONSHIPS.
Recently on a website, a guy got chatting to someone, made a date which he eagerly looked forward to, and sadly discovered that she was two timing him with the date. He naturally expressed his hurt, and one could feel his disappointment and pain. Then he lost all my sympathy when he talked of how he can't wait to ‘leave the site soon’. With that statement, this is what he was actually saying:
1. ONE woman I don't even know properly has let me down, and that woman is so important, the be-all of everything in my life, that no other woman matters.
2. Whatever she did, as women are not individuals, I will apply it to all women because, being clones, they all behave exactly the same.
3. I will blame every other woman for this one woman, and have nothing further to do with them (venting the handy scapegoating mentality).
4. The dating site is to be blamed for everything that is happening to me, rather than my poor choice of women, so I would rather go and be a lonely victim than seeing who else is available.
All that sounds so terribly sad and ignorant.
Our life is a journey of development. We are evolving non-stop DAILY from the time we are born until the day we die. Every experience we have - good or bad - is part of that crucial development. It toughens us up for the next stages of that journey. For example, if we never learnt to run, or to feel fear, when we are in danger of being attacked we would stand up in wonder waiting for that attack instead of getting out of the way. Pain shows us what is bad for us, while enjoyment shows us pleasure. We cannot have pleasure without the pain otherwise we would be weak apathetic creatures, unable to take care of ourselves. Most important, we would lack that BALANCE - of good and bad - that is at the heart of Nature.
When we have very low self esteem, we are ready to treat everything any ONE person does to us as the ultimate in our lives, instead of putting it in perspective as just another experience, grieving in our own way and moving on briskly to the next encounter. Just like any accident where we gradually recover and chalk it up to life, the same applies to relationships.
Just because a friendship or meeting doesn't go to EXPECTATIONS does not mean the world has come to an end. It means we should learn from it and get on with our lives because everything happens for a reason. At least he found out what the woman was like long before they got any deeper, and that is always the best time for such nasty surprises - as early as possible in a friendship before there is real emotional involvement. Just imagine what she would have done later down the line!
Sadly, instead of thanking his lucky stars for a narrow escape, he can't wait to leave the site with his bitterness and anger and scapegoating mentality. But the only thing guaranteed from that attitude is that he will find someone else to put that blame on, whom he won't allow to prove herself because he would assume she is going to do him the same thing and, of course, she will happily oblige!! Hence how some people continually get hurt without realising that they are actually instigating it with their own negative actions and blame mentality.
The tragedy is that this bloke is not the only one. A lot of men (and women) immediately throw in the towel, or blame all women/men the minute something painful happens. They seem incapable of taking life in their stride, learning from their situations and using that lesson further on to their advantage. But they should learn to leave hurt behind and welcome someone new, because a far better person might be waiting for them round the corner, if they keep an open mind.
Every single person is unique. But, we also have to bear in mind that, whatever we expect in life, through fear, we usually get, because our own actions and expectations will ensure it!
©Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH) 2012
Emotional Health and People Management Consultant
"Happiness is a state of being. We are the ones who decide whether we wish to be happy or not, by the script we use inside our heads."