I have a few friends on dating sites who give me regular details of their escapades. The main advantage of that is, between us, we can recognise some glaring patterns of behaviour to tell how the dating it is likely to progress. And that has been very helpful to avoid time wasting and certain negative interactions. One of them is finding out when people are truly ready to move on.
Many daters really believe they are ready for new relationships just because they might feel lonely and register with a dating site. But many are not. They are just answering the need for company. None of us wants to be lonely. But if we start seeking relationships before we are ready, especially where we have been deeply hurt by the last one, it really doesn’t help anyone in the end. In fact, that could be why a lot of new found friendships are short-lived. There isn’t enough emotional detachment from the past to sustain them. Yet being ready for a relationship is crucial to the progress of any new friendships we might form, otherwise they won’t survive very long.
The simplest test to check whether a person is ready for a relationship, or not, is this one:
Do they talk MORE about their past than their present in those first emails or phone calls? Is their desire to air their continuing pain, bitterness, blame or anger stronger than their desire to get to know you and appreciate you as a person in your own right, without comparison with the ex? Or are there expectations of you being cloned with every other man-woman?
People who are ready for a new life just want to get on with it. They might discuss their past, if asked, or further down the line in the friendship, but they are likely to find the discussion uncomfortable and to keep it brief because they have passed that milestone and have no wish to go back there. Whenever anyone starts off communication with long tales of how much they have been hurt etc, as though they are the only person in the world with problems, run a mile.
I say that because it means they are still carrying a lot of anger and blame and your main purpose for them is not as a potential soulmate but one of simply giving them attention and sympathy. Your needs or interests will take a back seat to theirs. You are just a handy source of empathy, which makes them feel good, and once they feel better, they will be moving on to the next source of attention to spread the blame and the woe. At that stage they have no capacity to give, only to take, so they are not really interested in relationships, just company. Now if that is stated clearly in a profile, no harm with that. This really applies to those who say otherwise.
When it comes to relationships, there is nothing more exciting than finding someone who appeals to us and wanting to progress the friendship promptly. So the bottom line is this: If that person is not interested in just you from day one, interested to find out about you and to progress it with BOTH of you in mind, instead of harping on the past, he or she is not ready for any new emotional commitment. We have to close one chapter of our life to open another, otherwise the past will always keep interfering with the present as unwanted, painful, never ending baggage.
Are YOU truly ready for a new relationship? Test it here.
©Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH) 2013
Emotional Health and People Management Consultant
"Happiness is a state of being. We are the ones who decide whether we wish to be happy or not, by the script we use inside our heads."