Having read a guy's dating diary where he was expressing his disappointment that women seem to be drawn to adulterers, addicts, con men etc., yet don't seem to like the 'nice men', I thought I had to respond to that, because it has no more basis in life than saying all women prefer nice men! Furthermore, one's actions does not denote one's personality, hence why many people don't reveal their true selves until later in the relationship.
Some women might be drawn to the dubious types of men. It reflects the variety of human choice. But women in general are not drawn to the rogues. Allowing for exceptions to any rule, what most women are really interested in are men who make them laugh, who treat them with respect by allowing them to be themselves, who do not try to control them, who allow them to make their own decisions; men with whom they feel comfortable and, very important, where there is clear CHEMISTRY and emotional feeling.
As an attractive woman, I have tons of men coming towards me daily, and one thing has stood out above all: when a man likes you, he automatically expects you to like him back! It's as if once he has pronounced his choice, you must accept it as the decree. You are not allowed to dare to decline the interest. Yet what many men don't realise is that they tend to view women differently from how the women view the men. Women are also very instinctive and can spot superficial men a mile away!
For a start, men are very visual, and a 'beautiful', 'hot' or 'sexy' woman is likely to press their buttons. If I need evidence for that assumption, just change my main picture to something more revealing!!! Women are emotional. They are drawn to attraction, yes, but the primary aim is have someone who really makes them sit up and take notice in a variety of ways, especially through emotional excitement and VALUE. So the guy's need for beauty is not the same as the woman's need for emotional acceptance and feeling valued. It stands to reason that many potential friendships won't get off the ground because the two genders are not aligned in their expectations of what makes them happy.
The Power of Chemistry
Most important, just because a woman might have gone with a rogue or addict in the past doesn't mean that every 'nice' man is going to turn on her on. That's just being patronising to women, as if they don't know what they want. People are not attracted to each other on any measure of 'niceness'. They are attracted through CHEMISTRY and the key elements in chemistry are:
- physical attraction
- intellectual attraction (how people interact or relate to each other)
- emotional attraction
- feeling of comfort
- feeling of being valued
Most relationships are created by the first three elements and are crashed by the ABSENCE of the last three. That is why, often people begin to 'chat' then stop inexplicably because the other person either sounds too boring (lack of excitement), is only on about him/herself (lack of value) or reveals things that bring up red flags (increasing discomfort). It is thus very easy to trace the missing factors in chemistry when a friendship fades. Many men need to recognise that liking a woman and being 'nice' won't automatically lead to mutual chemistry. The bottom line is that, in any new friendship, each man has to prove himself, whoever he is. Just being 'nice' won't cut the mustard.
In effect, it doesn't matter which men the women have gone with in the past. Unless that chemistry and mutual admiration is there in the present, there will be no hope of a new friendship between the parties. This is because 'niceness' is not a condition of a relationship. It is only ONE part of a person's personality and approach. Other elements are equally important.
©Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH) 2012
Emotional Health and People Management Consultant
"Happiness is a state of being. We are the ones who decide whether we wish to be happy or not, by the script we use inside our heads."