Conservatives all over the United States are still stunned today after Mitt Romney’s loss to President Obama last night. While they analyze the data to try and figure out the flaw in their platform of tax avoidance and forced pregnancy, we can look at the immediate problems some of the major players on the right are facing.

1) Donald Trump’s hairpiece emigrates to Caymans: Soon after hotelier and TV frowner Donald Trump lost his mind on Twitter calling for “revolution,” he lost his toupée as well. After being informed of its former owner’s outburst, the wig had simply had enough,” I’m the most expensive, classiest hair replacement system that money can buy. I don’t need this garbage. He wants a revolution? Yeah, good luck with that.” The toupée quickly booked a private jet to Grand Cayman, and reports he had no problem getting out of the country. “Booking a flight was easy,” the hairpiece said from his new beachfront home, “The hard part was flying so soon after surgery…I just had a wart removed from my ass. Ha!”