Broken hearts are mainly caused by unfulfilment of our expectations coupled with low self-esteem. Often we think so low of ourself, we put our whole life in the hands of one person to get 'happiness' and then when that happiness is withdrawn, the pain of losing it is too much to bear. We meet someone, we like them a lot, we come to trust them and believe in them, then start to weave our dreams around them and build our life around them too. When they fail to conform to those expectations, we are often devastated.
It is natural to feel some loss when a relationship breaks up. But any break that causes us to feel really badly and lasts for too long is self-inflicted. If we really love and value ourselves, everything in life - whether happiness or heartache - then becomes part of our natural routine. Not extraordinary, because life has two natural sides: good and bad, up and down, birth and death. We can't have one without the other.
To mend a broken heart has five stages:
First, take time out for you, while you slowly detach yourself from your lover. Often the hurt is prolonged because you still keep yourself in their orbit. Do NOT continue to be 'friends' until the hurt stops and you feel better. Make a complete detachment otherwise you wil be constantly reminded of the situation, especially at the early vulnerable stage when the pain is worst.
Second, accept responsibility for your part in the break-up. Nothing is ever one-sided and when we are hurting and blaming the other person it merely prolongs the pain and keep us in denial. By acknowledging and addressing your part in the process, the grievance will be lessened even quicker because you won't just be simply judging your mate on his/her actions, you will be addressing the partnership that is involved in any relationship. You will wish to show understanding and compassion too which speeds up the healing process for yourself. The minute you put bitterness, resentment and anger above forgiveness or compassion is the minute your prolong your pain and agony because all you will be thinking about during that time are negative things which will only make you feel more inadequate and crappy.
Third, reinforce your self-love because you will feel unwanted and undesirable at this time. It is easy after a heartbreak to believe that no one will want you anymore, that you are no longer attractive and you will not fnd another relationship like that. But to love and be loved, you have to love yourself first. You cannot give away love if you have none for yourself. Nurturing your self-love is crucial to mending a broken heart quickly because you will chalk it up to experience. It also takes the focus off partners and puts it squarely on yourself. That tends to speed up the healing process and re-affirm your esteem and worthiness.
Fourth, accept the situation as a natural part of the pleasure/pain cycle of life, important for teaching us lessons we need later on to live our life satisfactorily and to build our resilience. You can then begin the forgiveness process. Life consists of both pain and love, manifested through death and rebirth, being two sides of the same coin. We cannot have one without the other other. The love is there to nourish and sustain us while the pain helps us to develop our experiences and to face our challenges with resilience and new knowledge. If you seek to be vengeful or to vilify lovers in any way, you drag the hurt and pain around for years, like a smelling carcass, while you are stuck back then in the past. Nothing comes from being bitter after a relationship. It is best to learn the lessons they give and move on briskly, knowing that there is likely to be someone even better and more deserving of you in the near future.
Fifth, remind yourself daily of your appeal and value and do not judge the rest of your existence by one occasion. Moving on is most important. Just because someone is not keen on you does not mean your value is any less in everyone else's eyes. In fact, that is the time to bid that person a firm goodbye and loudly say "NEXT!". Your life is a journey, made up of numerous experiences, not based on one event. There is ALWAYS a good reason behind why someone isn't right for you. It's just that you cannot see it at the time. Use rejection as a lesson in finding the right people for you and move on to a more fulfilling experience. If you really love yourself, you won't give a damn about another person's actions. You will be thankful for the moment, look ahead positively and move on without living in regrets or in the past - and feeling much better for it too.
How much is your SELF WORTH and value at the moment? Try this quiz to find out.
©Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH) 2012
Emotional Health and People Management Consultant
"Happiness is a state of being. We are the ones who decide whether we wish to be happy or not, by the script we use inside our heads."