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Shyness is a fear of interacting with others. My hero Denzel Washington once said in a film, "A person wrapped up in himself makes a very small package!" Indeed. Shy people and unhappy people have one thing in common: they mainly focus upon themselves. But self-focus comes from insecurity and kills interaction. The greatest feelings of self-worth come from our positive effect on others. It has been shown that low self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with individuals who put too much attention inward. Confidence comes by doing something daily that focuses on someone, or something, else in a positive way.
Shyness focuses upon fear and the self, which increases the inability to engage another person in basic interaction. But life only works reciprocally. If we merely expect from others we tend to get very little, until we begin to give too. Many people who have not learned how to share find this giving difficult and simply wait with open hands to receive. Yet it is very clear that the people who give the most tend to receive in abundance. When we focus upon ourselves, there is a limited field of vision which obscures the whole picture and gives us just one narrow view of the world – ours.
A shy person worries constantly about the REACTION of others and what they might think; whether they are WORTHY enough in that situation and how they will be TREATED. Being so focused upon themselves and their perceived treatment, they have little to give to others, which often keeps the shy one in the same situation – being sidelined, alone and feeling excluded.
There are 6 main ways to overcome shyness, listed in order of importance:
1. Be proud of yourself and appreciate who you are, regardless of your 'faults'. You cannot be acceptable to others if you reject yourself. How can they affirm what you yourself dislike and reject? If you learn to accept your faults as well as your strengths, to cut yourself some slack, others will too. If you have to change yourself in any way for the potential date, that's the worst start to a relationship. You will always be trying to please and feel inadequate for it.
2. Shift the focus from yourself and push it outwards. When you shift your focus, you learn to relax more. Everything does not appear to be such a big deal. Relaxing comes through many forms: making a phone call to someone for an easy chat – they might be so grateful for your contact; going for a walk; listening to your favourite music; doing some puzzles; talking online to someone; sending a simple email to that valued person; reading a book and, above all, accepting everything that is happening at that moment instead of getting stressed about it or trying to control it.
3. Ask as many questions as possible. It doesn't matter how difficult this is, learn to ask questions, especially with a potential date. Any question is indicative of curiosity and is a doorway to dialogue and interaction. It does not matter how simple and trivial the first question is, that is vital to open that door and it shows your interest, making you seem less one-dimensional and more engaging.
4. Do not always wait for others to act, chances are they are shy too! Pluck up the courage to make the first move sometimes. If you don't try to engage the people you are interested in they will never know your feelings and others will beat you to it. Belief and desire need courage and conviction around them to get the required results.
5. Join in activities, like a local activity club, dating club, or becoming a volunteer. These are the surest ways of boosting your self-esteem and getting that date as you remove the focus from yourself and give the attention to others to reinforce them. You will feel wonderful seeing the results of your actions and the difference you're making to others. Most important, people will suddenly want to know you because they feel valued!
6. Begin to appreciate your world and what you have today and see the difference as your life changes in front of you. Don't take life for granted and the blessings you have. Stop and smell the roses so that you too can smell much sweeter!
©Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH) 2012
Emotional Health and People Management Consultant
"Happiness is a state of being. We are the ones who decide whether we wish to be happy or not, by the script we use inside our heads."
