Q. My husband is a Marine. There's a woman who works with him that is being a little too friendly. She talks about her personal life to him and even ask him questions about me. I have voiced my concerns to him but he shrugs it off....My question is: should I approach her and tell her to stay away from him? In my gut I feel as though she is just trying to get closer to him so that she can get him to cheat on me.
A. Insecurity is one of the biggest killers of relationships so it is not advisable to go blazing in warning her off. She could be very honest and is genuinely seeking a friend. It is not so strange to seek friends of the opposite sex during a divorce because that is when people are at their lowest and seek to be affirmed and reinforced. You have let your concerns known to your husband and, as long as you really trust him, then leave him to deal with the situation like an adult, and not override him and treat him like a child by also attempting to deal with it yourself.
If your marriage is on a firm footing, if there is much love, affection and respect between you, then you seldom have to worry about a third party. No one leaves steak at home to chase after lesser cuts outside. So if you are feeling anxious about any new woman who comes near to your husband, what anxieties are you hiding from him and even from yourself? Don't you believe you are attractive enough to hold his attention? Do you believe he would be so shallow as to go after her at the first opportunity? What are your anxieties saying about the state of your relationship, because that is the most important question here, not the woman.
I was married for 33 years and for most of the time it didn't matter to me how many women came at my husband. That's their choice. But it did matter to me how HE reacted. That told me how much he cared for me, how much he respected me and the level of connection we had between us. I gave him space to be him because I knew that if he CHOSE to go after someone else, then we was giving me a very powerful message of where I fitted into his life and I would be gone too, such was my self love. So I never worried about others.
It is always easy to focus on third parties that come into any relationship, but those people -individually-are never important. The key issue is what are the couple really about, where are they going and what do they mean to each other? As a rule, women who are after men are seldom interested in their wives! If she is keen to know about you, she might genuinely feel alone and needs company. If she really needs a friend, why don't you befriend her too? In that way, she gains a new friend, you immediately neutralise her power and you might find that you even come to like her.
Not everyone is ever after our partner. Sometimes they genuinely need our help, but they go to the obvious places first: to get some flattering attention. Our belief in outside interference is directly related to the level of insecurity we feel, the self love we have and the genuine trust and respect we have for our partners. Where those are problematic, there will be much anxiety and fear lurking within the relationship.
Relax a little, trust more, and love and affirm your man like hell because you cannot prevent him from meeting people. You will find that attitude to be the main protector against any perceived predator, much more than warning anyone off, which might then turn something innocent into something potentially lethal, causing more stress than its worth.
©Elaine Sihera (Ms Cyprah) 2011
Emotional Health Adviser
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"