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We are all nervous of speaking to strangers, especially those whom we might like or fancy. There is usually some apprehension of how the other person might react, whether they might be wondering about our real motives for contact, whether we are doing the right thing in seeking a friendship with that particular person and, deep down, a fear of being ignored or rejected by them. No one likes to expose himself to the embarrassment of not having a positive response, so many people focus on the negative aspect of what might happen instead of just going for it and hoping for the best. Another important point to remember is that every time we talk to someone we are improving our communication and interactive skills. Quite simply, we learn what works for us and what doesn't. By making no effort to connect with others, we rob ourselves of that crucial experience.
All friendships start with a contact of some kind. That's the only way strangers turn into friends. If you see a girl that you like and you're not sure how to approach her, there are five key things to remember:
a. She is likely to be nervous too.
b. She might even like you too.
c. Be yourself and be honest! Don't try too hard to impress. If she doesn't like you exactly as you are it's not going to work.
d. The worst that can happen is that she ignores you or tells you 'no'. Your world won't collapse and you'll still be the same great person you are. Better still, there are tons of other girls waiting to be asked!
e. Don't forget that mutual attraction is what drives any kind of connection. If the attraction isn't there on her part, no matter what you say, it won't make a difference.
However, as an opener, the following simple steps should be helpful:
STEP 1 - It is all about confidence in the introduction. Your main aim at this stage is simply to establish a rapport between you. To feel comfortable together. Ask yourself why you wish to talk to this girl. What results do you want? What exactly are you hoping she will do in return? By visualising what you wish to happen it should give you greater confidence in making the approach. You can see the result in your head, see her smiling and talking to you already, and the power of thought is phenomenal for delivering the reality because you will begin to act in the way you wish. Before you say anything, find something about her to comment on, for example, her chain, watch, bracelet, etc.
STEP 2 - Then say something like this, with a broad smile:
"Hello, I was admiring your chain. I think it is rather lovely (or unusual). Was it a gift or did you treat yourself? Was it made in this country?"
Always end that first comment on a question. It means she has to come back at you with a reply, if she wishes too. That observation can be applied to anything: her handbag, jeans, anything you can find about which to make an interesting comment and that is not too personal.
Another question could be, "Hello, sorry to trouble you, but do you know any good coffee shops nearby? I'm parched for a drink but am new to these parts." The lost-boy look can often work wonders as you obviously need some guidance and she won't feel too vulnerable helping you. The great thing about the coffee shop question is that, if she gives you directions or volunteers to show you where it is, that's the time you can casually ask if she would like one too - the least you can do in return for her help!!
The first reply is the most crucial because the tone of her voice, whether she smiles back in return and what she actually says, will tell you if it is worth carrying on. If she is a little abrupt, impatient or doesn't smile, but is polite and answers your question, be careful in going further. But if she is keen to answer, gives added information or asks something about you, that's your cue to go with gusto.
STEP 3: Always remember that people love to talk about themselves so try to listen more than you talk and ask questions wherever possible. The more you listen and ask questions (about her hobbies, interests, leisure, studies etc.) is the more she is likely to feel relaxed and comfortable with you, to trust you more and to see the possibilities for herself too. Moreover, you will also be learning whether she is really the right type for you and how comfortable you are in her presence. Humour is always welcomed too so keep it light at this stage.
STEP 4: At some point casually mention that you have an online presence (like Facebook, MySpace or Twitter) and ask if she has too and can you link up there? By offering online information first it appears more detached, matter-of-fact and not too pushy or desperate. If she seems receptive then you could add that you you have enjoyed the chat so much, would she mind exchanging emails to continue it? If she does not react as you expect, then emphasise being friends online and leave it to her to make contact again. If she does give you her email you could immediately move to the next stage, getting her number with this line of humour, and with another big smile.
"Thank you for the email address but, I have just won the lottery (pause for effect!) and was hoping that we could both splash out the $10 winnings on some coffee! Does that interest you at all? No hurry, if course. When you feel like it. But having won it, I need to celebrate it with someone interesting like you. Shall we exchange numbers before or after the coffee?"
If she isn't amenable by then and reacting with some major laughter at the lottery part, she really isn't for you and you should just wave her on!
Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH)
Emotional Health Consultant
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"
