Q. "Lately I've just been depressed and the thought of suicide is something that comforts me instead of scaring me. All these thoughts have happened cos me and my girlfriend split up (she dumped me). We had such a good thing (even though we were together for only a month) and I just can't seem to pull myself out of my depressed state. She's now got someone else and it drives me insane with jealousy, it really hurts. Another thing that hurts is I've been dumped twice this year. This has destroyed my confidence as both girls have gone on about how 'nice' I am but still dumped me. If you have any words or advice for me it would be much appreciated thank you."
A. First of all, I am really sorry to hear how you feel because life is such a precious thing. It is all we have, no rehearsal. But many of us find it difficult to deal with rejection. We think so low of ourselves, we put our whole life in the hands of one person to get 'happiness' and then when it is withdrawn, the pain of losing it is too much to bear.
Let's start with some brutal truths. You got dumped because you expect other people to love you for you. You don't really love yourself and that emotional state is very clear to the women you seek. They sense your constant need for approval - your neediness - and they don't like people who depend on them too much for love. They value some detachment. So they walk over you like a doormat. Your desire for external love allows you to accept that bad behaviour towards you (hence being labelled 'nice'). You gradually cease to become attractive in your passivity. And then you're dumped.
First thing to remember is that any kind of love we seek from another starts with self-love and the acknowledgement that you are the most gorgeous man on the planet! If you do not accept that fact this minute, who is going to value you? You are a wonderful, unique, loveable person. BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST TO SEE IT or to get that love from another!
Lacking Personal value
A desire for suicide is about lacking value in yourself. Rejection only confirms what you already believe about yourself and suicide seems appropriate for such a 'useless', unlovable person. But just because someone is not keen on you does not mean your value is any less in everyone else's eyes. In fact, that is the time to bid that person a firm goodbye and loudly say "NEXT!".
If you kill yourself today, she will still be shagging her new fellow, and you will be gone, depriving yourself of a life and some deserving woman waiting elsewhere of your love and company. Is that the best you can do with the life you have been granted when many others are dead? There are millions of women out there. Our life is a journey, not based on one event. Do you value yourself so little that you can take just one or two people's opinion and put yourself down? So what if some woman said no? There is ALWAYS a good reason behind why someone isn't right for us. It's just that we cannot see it at the time. Use rejection as a lesson in finding the right people for you and move on to a more fulfilling experience. You are only 23 and you are learning every day of your life. That's how we have so much knowledge, resilience and courage by the time we reach 40 or 50. Life is also about PLEASURE and PAIN. You cannot have one without the other. Something has to die first before something else begins. So accept that pain as part of your growth and increasing wisdom.
I know that this is very difficult for you, but you need to stop focusing on that girl now and start putting the spotlight on yourself. Begin to tell yourself DAILY that she wasn't right for you and you accept that, because you deserve BETTER. That her opinion is only one of millions. Rejoice that you had an enjoyable month with her and move on, wiser but more loving towards yourself. When you love yourself you will appreciate how special you are. You won't fear being hurt because YOU are the important one, not them. Women are likely to find you more appealing because you won't need to cling to them. You'll love yourself first and seem even more attractive.
Most important, relationships come and go, but you have to be with yourself 24/7. If you matter the most, you won't give a damn about another person's actions. You will chalk it up to experience, look ahead and move on without living in regrets or the past - and much better for it too. I hope you have a better day tomorrow because you are a wonderful human being given a precious gift of life. Don't let someone else dictate its course, or devalue your worth.
By the way, If your suicidal feelings continue, then you may need to see a professional or counsellor. However, my guess is that you just need some time to allow yourself to accept your new situation and to heal. But you'll be fine. It's denial and self-pity that keep you in pain.
Perhaps you might find this article of interest: Have you ever been dumped?