Q. How do I tell him in a nice way that I have never had an orgasm with him and I have been faking it for five years, and the only time I get off is when I satisfy myself?
A. That's a very good question. The short answer is: PLEASE resist the temptation to do that.
There is no harm in telling him, gently, what he could do during intercourse to extend your enjoyment of it, show him the different ways it would make a real difference to you. But don't mention you have been faking it at all, especially after all those years. That would not only destroy his self confidence in that area, but it would then spoil the act itself because he would never believe or trust you again, especially if you did happen to have an orgasm in the future. The time to have mentioned faking was in the first few weeks while you got used to each other, and while you explored ways of having better satisfaction, not years later when you have grown to accept it.
The problem with sex and why it often fails to be satisfactory to both parties, especially on the first few times, is because people come to a relationship burdened with their own experiences, good or bad, of sex with others. They do not accept that everyone is different and try to get to KNOW the person and their body before they sleep together. Instead some men, in particular, tend to approach sex in a new relationship by using what might have worked with other women without genuinely trying to find out what matters to the new partner. The result is that the woman just goes along with what happens because she might be afraid to say what she wants, and the man thinks what he is doing is great and continues with more of the same. End result: dull, predictable sex with a lot of faking.
If I meet a possible lover, I tell him two things before we are even intimate:
1. That we can expect our first-time sex to be crap because we don't know each other's bodies or needs as yet. But, heck, practice always makes perfect!
2. That there is far more to sex than mere penetration, and if a guy is hung up on just giving an orgasm, instead of really making love and learning about each other, then he can expect to get fake orgasms.
That might not sound terribly romantic at first, but it sure gets rid of the unrealistic expectations that he might bring and allow us to take the trouble and time to know each other well, to enjoy being intimate with each other, and appreciate the joy of being together, without expecting the earth to move on every intimate occasion!
Elaine Sihera (Ms CYPRAH)
Emotional Health Adviser
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"