The 4 Main Reasons Why Partners Are Unfaithful

WOW... Dkaz, that is amazing...

Both of these people are in their 40's when they meet. They've been married about 20 years each. So I'm guessing 20 years ago they married their spouses because they loved them.
And as we all know who have been married for eons, sometimes the flame on one lamp dies out or health problems appear. Should the other suffer in silence when this happens?

Is there such a thing as true love. Unconditional love. Does that exist anymore? Or should we just expect the wrong doing?

...but in all such cases where one partner pleases themself, it is still only one parner who is benefiting....

And what's the problem with that? The woman who is being ignored by her husband, who she loves dearly, benefits. And the man who is being ignored by his wife, is benefiting. Obviously the spouses of these 2 people have lost their interest in their own partners. So what's a girl or guy to do? Leave some one they love?

One of my favorite songs of all time states:

"When you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

This reminds me of a friend of mine who has been meeting up with a friend from college about once a year for the past 17 years. I only know things from her perspective, but she seems perfectly comfortable with the arrangement. She says she would never leave her husband for the guy but she likes the once-a-year, no-strings-attached hookup. She says she enjoys a great sex life with her husband but she likes being able to be with someone and not having to talk about the bills or anything.

Luv ya, dkaz, but they were cheating. If they're that unhappy or unfulfilled, they should leave. My ex-wife puts up with an agonizing situation because she's afraid if she challenges him, she'll have no place to live. Of course she has a multitude of options, but she stays because she can't see the forest for the... and, of course, there is cheating involved.

If my partner gives me reason to believe that I can't trust her, even if I'm the "villain of the piece,"by being in-attentive or un-appreciative, it's over. No compromise, no ifs, ands, or buts. It's over. Life's too short to enable these people or, for that matter, put up with a relationship that is un-fulfilling or un-fair.

XO-XO!

Hi Geminga,
Remember, they weren't unhappy with their spouses. They loved their spouses and their spouses loved them. But they wanted intimacy from their spouses. And their spouses turned their backs on them. That's what caused them to continue with their coffee chats and eventually ended up in the hotel room. But only once a year. Same time, same place. So once a year, they were able to experience the true joys of being with the opposite sex.
Now, were they really cheating or just enjoying something they missed from their own spouses? And by the way, they both tried talking to their spouses but their desires fell on deaf ears. So again, what does one do? Deny themselves of a simple pleasure in life. Is that healthy for the mind & body?
Also remember, neither one of them ever got a divorce. And this lasted into their late 60's to early 70's. And in all those years, the spouse's never knew about it. So did they hurt anyone? I don't think so. I think the hurt came when he didn't show up at the hotel.
Geminga, I luv ya too but your ex-wife's situation has nothing to do with this scenerio.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxooxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox...kiss!

Regarding your question of were they cheating? Yes. Your scenario is intriguing, but it doesn't excuse the broken promises. In regards to what should they do. Leave. I know it's difficult, especially when you've been in the same routine for decades, but it is the only honorable way out.

As far as my ex-wife's scenario, my point was that there are a multitude of excuses for staying in a disingenuous situation and none of them are valid. However, your scenario about someone not being able to physically give to the relationship is compelling. Due to disease or age or both, is an agonizing prospect. I can only venture that, given those circumstances, the healthier partner would have to apply the same yard-stick that they would want applied to themselves.

Selfishness is all to easily excused in our lives and selflessness is becoming a rare commodity. Sometimes, our sacrifices are life-long and, at the end of the day, we all have to sleep with ourselves.

Oh,god, I almost forgot!

Thank you for the hugs &kisses, dkaz! I can really use those right now.

But Geminga,
Who broke the promises first? The deniers or the deniees?
Why leave? They both love their spouses. And their spouses love them. They both love their homes, their families, their children, their friends. Why break that up because of one aspect of a marriage that was being remedied once a year?

Yes, at the end of the day, we all have to sleep with ourselves. Wouldn't it be nice to fall asleep with a smile on our face instead of a tear in our eyes? Or an ache in our heart?

Also, if you notice any odd words when I'm typing, it's because my damn fingernails need to be cut & I haven't gotten around to it. They keep hitting the key above the one I want them to hit & it's driving me crazy. That's on my list of things to do tomorrow.

I have the perfect retort for that comment, but it is late and I have an early day, tomorrow.

Until next-time...

Geminga, I'll await your retort tomorrow and I'm sure it's going to be the perfect one. You're going to make me think, aren't you? [smiles] Good night & sweet dreams.

Hi, dkaz! I'm back and rested.

Of course, I've now forgotten my brilliant response to your last comment to my last comment and the conversation has kinda moved-on, but here's what I got.

Regarding who broke the promises first [comment 3-13] I think that's almost academic. In my personal situation, I began working way too much and devoted most of my spare time to our infant child. I realized then and still do that it was hurtful and isolating. I didn't do it because I didn't love her or resented her in some way. I did it because I thought that was my role as provider for our young family.

Now, I realize that was misplaced and I have since learned. She began cheating on me during this time and felt [and still does, btw] justified. She was fulfilling her needs. The needs she could no longer get from me and it destroyed our family and traumatized our children. Did we deserve that? Did I bring this suffering on my children?

To this day, she cheats on everyone she's with and has admitted to me that it wouldn't have mattered what I did or didn't do, she wouldn't have done anything different. The thrill of doing something wrong and the possibility of getting caught, along with the drama that it brought to her life, was far more important than me or her children...and still is.

I realize that she's something of a nut-job and not everyone is as far-gone as she is. But, most of the cheaters I have known of both sexes and most of the cheaters I have read about, or seen on tv, have more in common with my ex. than they do the Burnett-Alda characters in that movie.

I suppose, if you're looking for an "exception-to-the-rule," you can nearly always find one. But, as a rule it does more damage than good, just ask my kids.

.....a nut-job....

Well, so much for a relationship with me. [smiling]

xoxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo. Good night. Sweet dreams!

When they get caught they just become another kind of victim. They were a 'victim' because they were not getting what they 'needed' (many did not ask either). Now they are a 'victim' because the spouse and family do not 'understand' them.

They confused the concept of "give and take". They want you to give and them to take.

Yes, or hopping the fence just to see the grass on the other side may not be as green as they thought.

...a bit like curiosity killing the cat!!

But remember...satisfaction brought it back.

Keep in mind ladies, these 2 people only saw each other. No other partners entered the picture for 25 years.

Also they both very much loved their spouses. Their spouses always came 1st in their lives but the intimacy was gone. The woman's spouse was busy building his empire & the man's spouse was busy with her own life. So that one small aspect of their marriages had fizzled through the years & not for lack of not trying to light the flame

Ms Cyprah,

With all due respect, you're going off the storyline. I'm not talking about the other 2 partners. They have no interest. I'm talking about 2 consenting adults who are being ignored by the people they love & have always loved. Don't they have the right to have a void filled in their marriage, which in this case is actually keeping their marriages together?
Or should they spend the rest of their lives grieving silently for a desire so profound that they end up basically existing. Too me, that would be a sad, slow inner death that, to tell you the truth, would age a person before their time.

By the way Ms Cyprah,
Great seed!

Ms Cyprah,

Sorry about referring to it as a seed. I didn't scrutinize the beginning enough.[Smiles]

I'm giving you the last word. Thanks for allowing my contribution.

Oh! And by the way, in case anyone is interested. The movie is called, "Same Time, Next Year" and it stars Alan Alda & Carol Burnett. Great movie. Bye Y'all.

If they decided to go outside too and fall in love with another person as well, then everything would also fall apart from every angle!!!

Precisely :)

Many a woman has married a man because of his "potential". This admission means she did NOT like him as he was but for what she thought she would turn him into. The problem is that he did not willingly consent to being changed. This flies in the face of the myth that "they grew apart". They were far apart to start with, they just refused to acknowledge it. Cracks in concrete tend to enlarge with time. Cracks in relationships are much the same. Repairs in concrete require effort to be done well and are best initiated quickly before it completely crumbles. Relationships are much the same. Too little is done and it is almost always started too late.

Amen!

I absolutely agree!

I believe that mankind has outgrown the need for monogamy. This is not excusing the promise-breakers, but how many people in our society still get married as a practical matter? It used to be, you got married to grow the family and the family-farm. Practical. Somewhere along the line, it became confused with this mis-placed sense of romance. Today, marriage means that you agree to share all of your debts and income. That's it. Whatever romantic notions are still attached to it, are strictly the interpretations of the individuals.

Ther's really no reason to go through all the hullaballew. If you love someone and they love you, move in and start your life. Getting the state involved doesn't increase your chances of success.

Marriage is a written contract to abide by the rules set for the partnership. When the parties take the vows of faithfulness they set the rules. Monogamy was not always the rule (some places it still is not).

It used to be that a man's (or woman's) word was his bond. Now you cannot even believe what they signed on the dotted line about.

You're absolutely right. You sign an agreement to love, honor and cherish. I'm sorry, but I'm not using "obey". We're not dogs.

But after a few years, the "love" diminishes to a peck on the cheek & after trying everything in the handbook to bring that love back up to speed but even the peck on the cheek diminishes, a man/woman should just grin & bear it? Now remember. There are different degrees of love. I'm not talkin the heartfelt love that these two people still felt for their spouses. I'm talking the intimate, blue ball, groin throbbing love. Sorry if it's too graphic but that's what these 2 people were missing in their otherwise, very happy marriages. Honor? Do you not think they kept their promise of honor by never revealing their romance. By only seeing each other and no one else once a year?
Cherish. As I said in the beginning, they cherished their spouses. Otherwise, they would have just gotten a divorce and married one another.

You justify cheating solely on the grounds they "honored" their partner while violating everything else? It is more likely they wanted to keep the other perks for selfish reasons than 'honoring' the other person. Children want "everything". Responsible adults learn that you cannot have everything.

These are people that blame everyone but themselves for the lack of joy and fulfillment in their lives. They are always looking outward instead of inward.

Jess -Oh yes there is true unconditional love, it does exist. Here is the problem IMHO: It would seem to me that in the present day hedonist world we live in, with instant gratification at our fingertips we as a people have forgotten what it means to work for something.

Look around you at the true honest partners in life & love -you have probably noticed them before, now just observe how different it is. They constantly demonstrate love, the work through the good and bad times. They actually partner on life and its many and sometimes mundane tasks. They learn to bite their tongues, they let each other shine, they build each other up. As if hedonism isn't enough to do in the concept of 'true love' we have another problem; it is all to easy to divorce in this day and age.

Never expect the wrongdoing!!! If somebody isn't necessarily building you up they are necessarily tearing you down!!

I do believe that 'true love'/marriage is not for everyone though. That is ok, but never try to change somebody if they are not the settling down for the long haul type. They are just yours for a season.... Enjoy that season and move on

Your partner must be your #1 priority and vice- versa even over the kids. The kids will grow up and move out someday and you want to still have something in common with the one.

That's why I wonder about couples who marry and start having children right from the start. My wife and I waited 8 years before starting a family and I believe it gave us time to get to know each other as a couple and figure out what we liked and wanted. I see many couples popping out the first kid within the first year or two of marriage and I have to wonder if they even know each other as a married couple at that point.

Very good point DbZ,

my hubby and I started young and it was an added pressure.

We are approaching the empty nest, (at least 5 more years.) We are looking forward to it. We have made it a priority throughout our relationship for "us" time; if we get busy and let it slide, we know it and do our best to rectify it. But even now after 23 years we truly enjoy each others company, just doing nothing is ok if we're doing it together. I know we are sappy :o)

Brilliant advice, Division, because children take a lot of attention, especially away from the fathers, and unless there is definite parents time or the focus is more balanced, that soon becomes a relationship in trouble.

One of my friends, who also happens to be a pediatrician, said that during the first 2 years of a baby's life the husband is pretty much ignored, relegated to changing diapers and handling feedings until the child is old enough for meaningful interaction. He said this is when a lot of husbands take up the habit of "going out with the boys" or get very good at their golf game. Another friend said that she and her husband got into a habit of quickie sex, because after popping out 4 kids in quick succession after getting married, they were never guaranteed more than a few minutes of privacy at any time of the day. Their youngest is now a junior in high school but she says the quickie sex habit persists.

Unfortunately, we mustn't rule out the fact that some parents have hidden agendas in that one party probably got married simply to have children, without revealing that openly.

That's why my wife and I had agreed from the beginning to wait 5 years before starting a family, which turned into 8 years when she decided to enter the doctoral program. It gave us plenty of time to have a hell of a lot of fun as a couple before getting on the parenting track. Some of our friends criticized us, saying that we would be "old" parents but we didn't let that bother us. Statistically, children born to older parents tend to fare better anyway, probably because their parents weren't still kids themselves and were better off financially by the time they were born.

Can some one point out where in a marriage agreement...or vows....not implied..but in words....where it says you must be sexually faithful.... till death do you part...to your partner.
No opinions, please.
I was married twice and never caught that line in the vows.
Love, honor ..yes....but sexual exclusiveness....no
If it is implied...ok....but it was never stated in the vows...or was it?
Just wondering.

Nope! I never saw it nor heard it.

I do find it somewhat funny that a ton of emotional ideas have sprung up around the concept of marriage, which is, at its core, a social contract designed to ensure the proper inheritance of property. The most important thing for a husband back in the day was to be able to guarantee that the son receiving the inheritance was his own and not that of another man. Marriage was a way of doing that, since presumably the child of your wife was pretty likely to be your own. Now that inheritance is not of such huge importance, a bunch of romantic notions have sprung up to replace it. The stigma of being a bastard is no longer present and single motherhood is all the rage.

We're all going to Hell in a hand basket. So get out there and don't deny yourself anything. Unless you get caught.

Then deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny & deny.

I loved it when Dennis Rodman was married to Carmen Electra. She came home and caught him in bed with another woman.

His answer?............What woman?......................................[laughing my ass off.]