Help! My Guy is Flirting. What do I do?

Nothing hasty, that's for sure!

Imagine an everyday situation. You are at a party or reception, network or gathering, with your spouse or partner. Everything is going well for the first hour or so. But then, gradually, you begin to feel uncomfortable. You can clearly see that your man or woman has been latched like a limpet to the great looking guy or gal in the corner of the room for at least the past hour! You feel excluded, unwanted, rejected. In short, you feel terrible and you are not sure what to do with those feelings because making a scene or accusations would not be kosher. So you wait until you get home, fuming all the way in the wake of his smug smiles and innocent, quizzical looks. You can't wait to tell her what you saw, how selfish she is and how you believe she does not love you any more. He's is clearly a two-timer and 'something must be going on', etc., etc.

As much as that would make you feel better momentarily, such an approach, particularly the words, would not be advisable. Not only would you be thinking for your spouse/partner/lover, but you could be making rash accusations because those words would be expressing YOUR meaning and perception of the situation, not his/hers. People warm to others mainly because of the need for 4 things: They seek significance, appreciation, value and inclusion. Whoever treats us with basic respect in those four ways have got us for life because those constitute the main elements of RESPECT. Your partner/lover could just be basking in the attention of some significance or value he/she might believe is absent from home, especially where they believe they are taken for granted, but actually straying from the nest could be the last thing on their mind.

We cannot be all things to all partners. No one person can ever fulfil all the emotional, occupational and intellectual demands of our lovers. There will always be something that person needs from outside the home to complete them as a vibrant, thinking, feeling person. It helps their development and sense of identity. Futile jealousy and control kill relationships. Only space and understanding keeps them fresh, meaningful and enjoyable.

Observations First
Back to the scene at the party. If you are feeling left out, one thing you could do, before you jump to judgement and evaluation, is to start with simple observation of the bare facts. "I saw you talking to that person for over an hour. You were clearly enjoying yourself, which is fine. But what effect would you expect that to have on me? As I didn't feel I was entirely welcome to join in, how do you suppose that makes me feel?" Then LISTEN.

Questions serve to both challenge and affirm the other person as valuable to you.

But that is only Step One. There is more to do. Just merely having an argument serves no purpose except to keep the bitterness suppressed and your needs unfulfilled. Stage Two is to define your feelings clearly: e.g that you feel 'dejected', angry', 'excluded', 'invisible', whatever you like in that vein, but avoid victim words which suggest that he/she was actually doing something to you, or responsible for your reaction. They are responsible for their action and you are entirely responsible for your reaction to it. Always remember that. No one MAKES us do anything unless we are forced against our will.

Stage Three is the tricky bit: Stating exactly what you need from your lover at that moment. Often we talk a lot about what is wrong with our relationship, or with the other person's behaviour, but not how it can be put right. What would you like that person to DO? Then and there, tomorrow, this week. Not some vague time in the future. Specific things which can yield results and give your spouse a sense of fulfilment and pleasure doing something for you. If you are vague about your needs it becomes overwhelming for the other person to fulfil them and invites procrastination and denial. Don't tell him/her what you want, then refuse it, or question their sincerity as a kind of punishment when they offer. That merely keeps the resentment and bitterness going for no reason.

Avoiding judgement
Finally, ask nicely, don't demand or make veiled threats. Demands merely ignore the other person's needs in preference to your own which does not help in the long run. Just because you are together does not give either party the right to any demands. People also prefer to act when they feel respected and valued, not when they are taken for granted and expected to deliver. In this way, you not only state how you feel and then get what you BOTH want, you will also avoid evaluation and judgement before discussion, while recognising that whenever anyone appears more attractive and engaging than our partners, something is likely to be missing at home, or in that person! Being indignant might give temporary relief while suppressing the problem, but being communicative, appreciative and enquiring is more likely to keep the relationship intact.

These four steps are the key to resolving any tricky situation. Even if there is a lot of anger and argument at first, coming back to these basic steps in the end, will empower both parties, and can only result in a win-win situation and reduce unnecessary resentment and blame between them.

©Elaine Sihera (Ms Cyprah)
Emotional Health Adviser
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"

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