Why is he never jealous?

News Type: Event — Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:37 AM EDT

love, relationship, respect, jealousy, male-friends, positive-quality

Q. I have a boyfriend and he is never jealous of all my male friends. He gets along with them. I also get out with my male friends. He's just fine with it too. I wonder: "Does he love me?" But he cares a lot for me. He is very patient. However, it really triggers me to make him jealous. Is it wrong to do that?

A. Jealousy does not show love. It shows insecurity and possessiveness and not a nice trait to have. You appear to be insecure in yourself which makes you want to see his jealousy. But he probably loves himself a lot, is confident in him and you, and so does not feel the need to be jealous. The problem does not seem to lie with him. I think it is mainly with you as you need to be demonstrated love and jealousy before you believe that love.

But jealousy is not a positive quality in a relationship. It is a very negative one that lies at the heart of control and signals a lack of respect. He is actually treating you with respect, by appreciating your friends. He knows he loves you and that you love him, and does not feel he has to 'prove' anything, but you would like him to prove it by showing how jealous he is of you. Not good at all, and you could lose him by testing that love. He might come to think that you;re not worth it. Perhaps the best thing to do, if you feel he is not demonstrative enough, is to talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that you would like him to show you that love more often, especially if he does not openly show his feelings too much. Tell him that you like to feel wanted, valued and given attention, instead of trying to make him jealous.

Above all, start loving yourself, valuing yourself and appreciating who you are. When you have achieved that, you won't need to make someone jealous to prove their love. You will also be confident in that person's affection for you. You will know that even if they didn't love you, it wouldn't matter, because you had the greatest love of all - for yourself.

If you have a chat about your feelings with him and he doesn't do anything about it, then time to find someone else who matches closer to what you desire. Everyone likes themselves as they are, so we cannot change people to suit us. We can only change ourselves to get the change we desire. Don't make anyone jealous. That is negative and counter productive. Just seek someone else who matches you more instead. It will be far more fulfilling, loving and affirming.

©Elaine Sihera (Ms Cyprah)
Emotional Health Adviser
"Respect and love begin with the self. If we have none, how can we give away any?"

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{"commentId":2212157,"authorDomain":"mscyprah"}

Ms CYPRAH

But jealousy is not a positive quality in a relationship. It is a very negative one that lies at the heart of control and signals a lack of respect. He is actually treating you with respect, by appreciating your friends. He knows he loves you and that you love him, and does not feel he has to 'prove' anything, but you would like him to prove it by showing how jealous he is of you.

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2 votes

#1 - Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:37 AM EDT

{"commentId":2213484,"authorDomain":"rightenough"}

Arlo Goodbody

Good call, Ms Cyprah.

{"commentId":2213484,"threadId":"314454","contentId":"1672677","authorDomain":"rightenough"}

1 vote

#1.1 - Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:30 AM EDT

{"commentId":2218409,"authorDomain":"mscyprah"}

Ms CYPRAH

Thank you Arlo, nice of you to drop by! :o)

{"commentId":2218409,"threadId":"314454","contentId":"1672677","authorDomain":"mscyprah"}

1 vote

#1.2 - Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:27 PM EDT

{"commentId":2216818,"authorDomain":"brian-midd"}

brian-286615

This article speaks volumes to me as I have recently been feeling jealous of my partner's seemingly close interraction with a male colleague. I have had to look at myself very hard and have realised that my insecurity is about my lack of self love. Jealousy is, I believe, the hidden demon within relationships because not many people are able to admit to it. It is almost a shameful emotion and men, I think, in particular, will not own that feeling of weakness. "We can only change ourselves to get the change we desire"
How true. I don't like my jealousy but I own up to it with "I" statements. I feel this and I feel that. It is non-accusatory and if the person that you address your feelings of jealousy to gets defensive and takes offence then you have either not expressed your feelings in a non-accusatory way or they are not worth your love. If another person's behaviour impacts on you in a negative way and makes you feel bad then you owe it to yourself and them to be clear about what makes you feel that way and how they could be more sensitive to your feelings. This doesn't include not talking to the opposite sex but needs to be clear to avoid ambiguity. This leads me to ask Ms Cyprah for her thoughts on flirting - a very emotive but interesting subject.

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1 vote

#2 - Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:08 PM EDT

{"commentId":2218467,"authorDomain":"mscyprah"}

Ms CYPRAH

and if the person that you address your feelings of jealousy to gets defensive and takes offence then you have either not expressed your feelings in a non-accusatory way or they are not worth your love.

How true, Brian, how true. Pointless flogging a dead horse. It just becomes frustrating and debilitating in the end.

This leads me to ask Ms Cyprah for her thoughts on flirting - a very emotive but interesting subject.

Yes, it is quite emotive and I don't believe in it. Flirting is a desire for attention, unless there is no one else yet in your life. When people do it, that is another form of making the partner jealous, to get more attention from others to uplift them, make them feel more desirable or to elict a reaction from the person they are trying to impress the most. But flirting is a sign of insecurity, is often counter productive and can have unexpected consequences.

I think when people begin to flirt, the first thing they should ask themselves is: What is the reason for doing it and exactly what results do they expect from it? The answer to that is often not only enlightening but it should also clarify what is really going on at that moment.

I hope that is of help. Thanks as usual for your very useful and insightful input.

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1 vote

#2.1 - Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:37 PM EDT

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MS CYPRAH

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Why is he never jealous?

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