Why Problem Relationships Rarely Recover

Very few unions recover when they have reached a destructive stage. They simply worsen because people have long elephant memories and find it hard to forgive, or to pretend about their feelings. Instead, they become more entrenched, fearful and accusatory. People whose confidence has been damaged never fully recover because they lack validation from others who matter, particularly the reinforcement of their abilities, looks, sexual prowess and, above all, personal worth – a validation that is often not forthcoming because of their negative state. It is a fact that the lower the confidence and esteem of the persons involved, whether male or female, the more bitter and resentful they remain for years after the break, especially if one partner is already getting on with his/her life and seems happy. Those rejected tend to believe no one else will want them as their self-esteem takes a dive.

As to well meaning suggestions of trying to rekindle love, or to get it back when it has gone, that's a fool's paradise. True passion depends on the chemistry and appeal of the individuals involved. Once attraction has waned, it cannot be manufactured. A deeper love might replace passion, but that is the time a partner unknowingly becomes more like a relative than a lover. Additionally, at traumatic times, many negative factors interfere with our emotions which prevent us from being satisfied with what we have always had. Individual evolution also ensures we are always seeking to try something new, something befitting our current state. The number of people who left their partners, then returned with every intention of making up and 'rekindling' that old love, then left again for good, is enough to fill a huge stadium. There is an interesting reason for this dilemma.

Having affairs or external liaisons does not preclude forgiving and forgetting, or rekindling the home relationship. Starting afresh is always possible, especially if it was a brief fling outside, mainly for diversion or to boost one's esteem. However, for most affairs that last longer, something entirely unexpected happens. The feelings experienced in that new relationship demonstrate significantly what is missing from the home. It then becomes difficult for partners to return to what they had without their expectations being changed in the process. Partners left behind feeling hurt are also unlikely to change their behaviour to accommodate their partners' positive feelings or to be any more loving. In fact, they are likely to be more resentful, mistrustful and unforgiving. This will invariably affect the behaviour of the offending party.

Tense and Accusatory
If the couple manages to stay together, especially if there is no real effort to put the past behind them, one of four situations will ensue. First, one party will continue with illicit affairs to find the kind of love still missing from the home, or, second, both parties will have new lovers. Third, the atmosphere will be so tense and accusatory that the weaker party will grudgingly, and resentfully, accept the status quo or, fourth, the couple will eventually part. So, any rekindling or reconciliation is often a pipe dream because it is human nature to react when we feel wronged. There is also natural emotional evolution, and the 'possession' factor, which are responsible for most break-ups in relationships.

We have to remember that people in troubled relationships gradually lose their anchor, their sense of security, their self-belief, familiar routine, close friends and, in many cases, their home and environment. It is at this time when support from people who are independent, and who genuinely have their interest at heart, is most needed – if only because the underfunded advisory services are stretched to their limits. For example, it took us eight weeks to get an appointment with Relate, the marriage guidance counselors, and we slagged-off each other silly while we anxiously waited. Not surprisingly, the situation worsened. By the time our turn came, he didn't want to know.

Friends or relatives are also the worst ones to consult at this time. They tend to take sides and exacerbate the issues. A different kind of individual with positive energy is thus needed to lift the affected person out of their negative mire because a sense of being rejected and devalued simply drags them down and keeps them feeling bad about themselves. That can have a disastrous effect on future relationships.

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